From a young age, I remember believing I needed to keep myself small. Fading into the background, I desired to be seen as amicable, easy-going, and someone who was considered low-maintenance.
I wanted to be invisible.
Early on, I learned if I didn’t bend and contort to who my mother wanted me to be, I wasn’t worthy of love. When I expressed my own wants or needs, I often received immense shame and guilt if those things didn’t align with what my mother saw as “good” or “necessary”. I became a shape-shifter to please her, and this is how I began relating to the outside world. Learning to be highly attuned to what others expected of me, I did everything in my power to meet their needs.
My identity and worth came from pleasing, rescuing, and enabling others, all the while erasing myself. I wasn’t that important after all, I thought. Others are more valuable than me, right?
Slowly, but surely, my inner voice died. I not only became a slave to pleasing my mother, I became a slave to pleasing everyone around me. People pleasing became an idol, and it was exhausting.
Thankfully, as God’s drawn me closer to Him over the years, I’m slowly learning my worth isn’t tied up in how others view me or in what I can do for others.
For many who struggle with people pleasing or co-dependency, their core identity is twisted. They feel they are of little worth to the world if they aren’t meeting the ever-changing needs of others. They’ve learned “standing out” with their own wants or needs is dangerous. While, fading into the background, ignoring, or denying their needs seems to cause less harm or retaliation. People pleasers often feel immense shame or guilt for just being.
Sadly, many people pleasers fall into these toxic habits due to growing up in neglectful, abusive, or dysfunctional family environments. And it takes time to break free from these toxic lies that have been engrained and reinforced for years.
The Christian people pleaser or co-dependent who jumps to referencing Matthew 16:24-26, believes he/she is denying himself for the sake of others. But denying yourself doesn’t mean eradicating who you were created to be in the image of God.
To deny yourself, you must first know yourself through the lens of God. When our worth is so wrapped up in the approval of man and meeting his ever-changing needs, we are only enabling the very toxic habits that God wants us to deny and eradicate.
Carefully re-reading Matthew 16:24-26, Jesus states, “whoever loses their life for me will find it”. The question for people pleasers is who are we losing our life for? Are we losing our lives to be slaves to others’ beck and call out of fear? Or are we making decisions out of faith and trust in Who God calls us to be?
This is a hard question for people pleasers to answer. They often don’t know who God has called them to be because they’re so wrapped up in serving, helping, and pleasing everyone else. They trust everyone else’s ideas about what they should do and think but rarely do they turn to God and listen to their inner voice. To the outside world, people pleasers may look like amazing Christians, but inside, they’re dying.
When we don’t stop to get to know ourselves through God’s eyes, we only know who we are through the eyes of others. And while others can be a good sounding board, we should ultimately turn to God for who we are, Whose we are, and how to properly use our time, gifts, talents, and resources.
What can we do when we recognize these toxic traits within ourselves?
Recognition & Grace
The first step is recognizing people pleasing, rescuing, or helping others has become an idol in your life. It’s taking the time to evaluate the “why” behind what you do.
Am I saying “yes” because I feel called to do this, or do I feel guilt and pressure to do this?
When you start asking the “why” behind what you do and bring it to God in prayer, He will start guiding you in grace to set appropriate boundaries around your decisions. That doesn’t mean you’ll always make the best decisions moving forward, but you’ll start to take a step back and listen to your own voice before committing or making decisions.
In this process, be gracious to yourself. You are not only learning, God is re-wiring your heart and mind, and you are healing! Healing takes time after years (possibly decades) of misaligned beliefs and lies that have taken root.
Seek Christ for Your True Identity
Our identity comes from our Creator; it doesn’t come from the created. That means our worth is based on what God says and not in how we live up to others’ expectations, what we bring to the table, or what we get done. And if our identity is from God, we should know what He has to say about us.
For the people pleaser, it’s important to take a step back and get to know yourself. Begin making mental notes about what you like or dislike and then practice using your voice. Your voice is important to God. Your needs are important to God. And you are valuable and worthy of love. Be kind, patient, and gracious to yourself as you begin consciously taking steps to get to know yourself through God’s eyes.
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Right now, most of my writing time is devoted to my book, but I still hope to post on here once a month moving forward.
Our family is enjoying the fall weather! God bless your week, month, and Happy Thanksgiving!
Photo from Ariel Paredes, https://www.pexels.com/@ariel-paredes-1160955/
The post Overcoming People Pleasing: Denying Yourself Doesn’t Mean Erasing Yourself appeared first on Fish Full Life.